I have had a couple of conversations throughout the last couple of weeks that finally got me back to this point. Writing it out. Writing my thoughts out is like my therapy (literally it helps me more than a therapist) and then knowing someone going through something similar can possibly benefit from these jumbled thoughts fills my Love tank ♥️
I don’t know about you, but I am hard on myself. I am hard on myself on how I look, how I need to look, that I can always do way more and better at work, I should be in a better place financially (are we ever 🙄) And all it does honestly is stress me out more and makes my brain scattered instead of making a plan to fix these things. Which leads me to…..anxiety.
Anxiety is an A-hole. It is like that person that won’t leave you alone and keeps talking when you have the worst headache (or hang over…whatever you can compare it to 🤷🏼♀️) I haven’t really had anxiety until a lot hit me at once almost two years ago. My dad was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, I was working in a job I was miserable at for ten years, and had all of these personal goals I couldn’t find myself even inching closer to. I thought that changing my career (even though it has been amazing and has helped me a ton) would help get rid of the anxiety but it didn’t.
The feeling in my stomach of the phone ringing because my dad had to go to the hospital again, or the feeling of hearing “there is nothing else we can do” and the feeling of holding onto him during his last breath – I still feel that feeling in my stomach everyday for some reason. Until I was writing this out, I thought that feeling in me was 100% anxiety which brought on more anxiety because I couldn’t get rid of it, but then I realized it is grief. And grieving equals love.
I share this because you don’t know what people are going through. You don’t know what they can’t let go of and are still holding on to. So be nice, it doesn’t take much. And little do you know one small thing you say or do could make their day that may have started rough.
You can’t be everything for everyone. And because of being that way for everyone for so long, I have definitely heard about my absence from any social event, etc. and it has made me realize who I really want to spend my time with. The people that accept you for changing a bit and don’t hold anything against you or add on extra drama to your life. It all brings me back the quote at the top of the page. Yes, I have changed, a lot. So much that I don’t even know if I like who I have kind of shifted into, but I am going to learn to love that person.
It is all a process – be easy on yourself, you are never going to stop grieving it is just love, and a whole lot of it 💙